Let’s get back to my imaginary friend. Her name is Analogy. Isn't that a pretty name? Anyways, I'm going to need a bathroom for her. Yeah, I'm going t' have to demand it. I tried walking her into the ladies bathroom, but all these bigots got mad at me. It's ok, though. Right after that, I met these people who were super-connected-financially and, for some reason, they were really enthusiastic about passing laws to help me! So I got my bathrooms!
Better hope I don't come to your privately owned business in search of an imaginary friend bathroom. My rich friends suggested that we could pass a law that allows the government to encroach on the rights of private business owners on my behalf. You'll get sooo sued!
Next, I moved to Canada and tried to tell a group of people about my imaginary friend. They refused to acknowledge her at all! They kept saying," Why would we be obligated to care about what's going on in your mind, only? Fuck off”!
Well... I called them all bigots and told ‘em I'd be back! I got my friends to pass a law (which they were delighted to do) and now I can take that group of bigots to court for not acknowledging my imaginary friend! I wonder if they'll get jail time or just a massive fine. Sweet, sweet democracy.
Then, I moved back to the U.S. and talked to the first little kid I happened across. I told him that everyone thinks you're awesome, special, and brave when you have an imaginary friend. He ran back to his parents talking about his new imaginary friend and they beamed with pride! Their happiest moment was beating off to their progressive behavior. I hope they enforce the will of that little, uneducated kid to make permanent decisions down his path with an imaginary friend. By the looks of those hip and trendy parents, I just know they will! What a great experience.
I was feeling invincible with the help of my new friends, so I decided to join the U.S. military! As soon as I got in, I told them that they'd have to provide adequate housing for my imaginary friend no matter what the cost! I had my rich friends behind me so I knew they'd have to say yes.
Then... something terrible happened: The President of the United States stepped in and said that I can't join the military at all! Goddamn bigot!
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