United States Worst Drivers Awards! (Page 1)
Driving in the U.S.! Never a dull moment, right? You've gotta hand it to this illustrious fleet of expert drivers.
Oh who am I kidding. Most of you live in denial. The only thing you're really an expert at is making excuses! For the sake of this article, I'm going to pretend that you are part of the small percentage of people who actually care about piloting a vehicle.
My rating system is simple. You will be judged on a scale of 1 to 5 middle fingers. I plan on generalizing whole groups of people. I might even generate some new stereotypes in the process. Nothing is more hilarious to me than a broad stroke of the ol' criticism brush! I am aware that there are exceptions, but y'know what? Exceptions are exceptions and averages are averages.
I'm sure that many of you who are familiar with my site have already labeled me a socialist, communist, anarchist, atheist, homophobic, narcissist, et cetera. Well, those little buzz-words mean a lot more to you than they do to me. You may as well add ageist, sexist, and racist to that list!
Remember: If you've got a problem with stereotypes, stop validating them.
How am I an authority, you ask? If I shared my driving record, you wouldn't believe it anyway. Let's just say that I've driven many, many hours in just about every state in the U.S. I also seem to have a rare set of traits: the mutant abilities of attentiveness, responsibility, accountability, and the general desire not to be a selfish piece of crap. I guess I'm a regular X-Men hopeful!
Let's get this show on the road, shall we?
Boys under the age of 25 count among the worst drivers I've ever seen. This large group gets 2 out of 5 middle fingers.
Remember that movie "The Car" or the book "Christine"? Now replace the car's murderous personality with the confident stupidity of adolescence. That is basically how members of this group drive between the ages of 16 and 25. It's like a thoughtless, witless, metal, murder-machine cruising the roads at high speed.
Everyday I see these diarrhea drenched butt-hairs in their sports cars or monster trucks that their ineffectual parent(s?) bought them. They're the ones trying to achieve top-speed within the space of a few meters then slamming on their brakes at a red light. They often tail-gate people who obviously have other slow-moving vehicles blocking them. Or maybe they will frantically weave through traffic cutting you off in the process directly into a red-lit intersection... just to have you roll up to stop beside them. At this point, these idiots will avoid eye-contact and busily fiddle with a mysterious object out of view. Sometimes I'll just take a handful of change and throw it at the side of their car. I dunno, it just makes me feel better.
Curiously, there are a couple exceptions. I'll get to that soon.
Any Adolescent Boy
This group is victim to a curious phenomenon. Asian men ages 16 through 29 display an admirable level of pride in piloting a vehicle. Then they hit 30 years old and something happens to them: They become the driving dead.
I think that their various cultures managed to retain many of their original traits during the transistion to the New World. Namely, the trait of reshaping their living spirits into cold, dead, worker-robots. Their concept of honor is just perverse. In most of their cultures, honor always centers around some socially powerful individual or group no matter if those entities promote negative, illogical, or selfish instruction.
These twisted ideas are downloaded into their brains by their culture: Do all the things you hate. Bow before people who don't give a shit about you. Fearfully chase monetary wealth and honor at the expense of all reason. Marry people you don't love. Have children and immediately start infecting their minds with the same garbage. Do all of this before you reach adulthood or you bring dishonor to yourself, your family, and your country. It's no wonder they turn into zombies armed with automobiles!
They're the ones turning right into the middle or left lanes. Basically any lane except the far-right (correct) one. To make it more dangerous, they will fail to use their turn signal and coast in front of the speeding vehicles in neighboring lanes without any regard. It's like having a metal wall appear in front of you.
Luckily, they don't drive a lot when they get older. It seems like they just stop going places around 60 or so.
Oddly enough, the ace-pilot youngsters improve their score, so 3 middle fingers!
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