The other option is to bury the whole, putrid body. The guys at the morgue pull the dead body out of the fridge and send it to whatever funeral home you paid. At the funeral home, the dead body is pumped full of fluids to really drag out the hideous decomposition period over a few years. You wouldn't want to disappoint all those insects in the ground with a corpse that looks all messed-up! I have no idea who would even notice or appreciate the embalming process; certainly not any humans since the corpse is buried in a box.

  Then you have to do the corpse's make-up. Not only is there some twisted nutcase whose job it is to doll up a corpse, but it's usually for the benefit of several other nutcases who ask for an open casket funeral. Y'know, the insane event where you look at, talk to, or even hug and kiss a dead body. You can either host this event at the funeral home or you can pay another person for the use of their property.

  How many hands get to be in your wallet? It depends on how much guilt you want society to pressure you with. Of course, this is guilt based on custom and nothing rational. I suppose people imagine the ghost of the person floating around in heaven brow-beating you for not pampering his dead body with enough respect. I would have included hell but, strangely, nobody thinks that their dead loved-one ended up there. Anyways, the only thing that alleviates the mystery guilt people conjure up for themselves is paying more vultures of this death industry.

  Here's the best part of the process: parading the dead body through town as sloooowly as you can. Now people create a motorcade and drive 2 miles an hour all the way to the cemetery. These cars are filled with reverent assholes who are irritated that other people are not properly respecting their dead body parade. How dare they want to go about their day driving the speed limit to work or other important errands. How dare they!?! Don't they know that somebody died!?! The special and dramatic moment of loss that we are intentionally prolonging with this funeral bullshit? The experience that affects billions of people thousands of times per day all over the planet? The experience I plan on milking for numerous excuses like breaking promises, abusing vices, or treating other people poorly?

  Finally, the cemetery is reached; that amazing waste of space where you pay to store thousands of dead bodies. Talk about the most abstract storage fee ever! All through this process, people will be using terminology like "laying our loved-one to rest", or some other creepy nonsense that makes it seem like the dead body is just taking a really long nap. Time to grow up and accept the reality of death. It's something that happens to every living thing. You don't have to dance around the subject with all of these churched-up phrases.

  By the way, you had better bury corpses the right way or you're a bad person. I know this because somebody who arbitrarily specifies what's good or bad told me so. You also have to bury dead bodies in the right cemeteries. Don't you dare bury that corpse in our special cemetery for our special dead bodies! We Earth humans like to pretend that divisive concepts matter to newly inanimate objects as much as they matter to us.

  It is here at the cemetery where a few different craftsman are paid to display their fantastic creations! You need a florist for that tastey juxtaposition of vibrant, living flowers surrounding a grotesque, dead body.You have to have a snazzy coffin too. It should have thousands of dollars invested in it's materials and design from beautifully carved wood to the nice, fluffy pillows that the dead body will surely appreciate. The living get to view this pointless work of art for all of 4 hours or less, then you throw it in a hole and cover it with dirt! What an intelligent investment; makes sense to me. Don't forget to pay the company and engineer that made the specialized coffin elevator for this absurd industry. At least the funeral home covers that cost.

  Now that the stiff is in the ground, you can talk to the dead body or even leave presents because that would be the properly insane thing to do. You know how much dead people love little trinkets, flowers, and conversations.

  After all this horrible crap, we finally get to the wake. It's got a creepy name but it's the only other tradition (the first was burning the body) that I can appreciate. The rest of these bizarre and mentally-ill traditions can screw off. Stop these disgusting and vain customs. It's not respectful, it's just stupid.

  Instead of playing with dead bodies, go stroke your reverence boner by getting a shitty tattoo. I know you guys do that.
Back to Absurd Reality
Stop Playing With Dead Bodies!
  The other day, I was selling a bunch of useless crap on the internet that had accumulated in the house. I came across this frame-shaped urn. I have no idea where this thing even came from. The idea is to put a little picture of the dead person on the front of the box, then you fill it up with dead body ashes. Kinda like a hilarious before-and-after decoration for your home. I immediately thought, "What the hell is wrong with people?"

  Earth humans playing with dead bodies has always annoyed me. Since I accept the fact of reincarnation, I don't find it logical to give a shit about dead bodies. The immortal spirit goes on wearing different bodies like hats. Anyways... now that I have a website where I trash things, I can finally get this out of my system.

  Guess why it's a good idea to get rid of dead bodies: that's right, it's mainly because of disease. Dead bodies also tend to look and smell pretty bad too. Oh, and don't forget all the animals that love to eat dead bodies. Watching a raven pull the eyeball out of Grandma's skull disturbs most people. So a while ago, humans on earth figured out that they should burn them. Around the same time, some idiot exponentially multiplied the effort involved and decided to bury dead bodies instead. From that moment on, disposing of dead bodies became an exercise in reverence, vanity, and eventually greed.

  So a living thing dies. A family member, a friend, a person you don't know, or even an animal. First, you pay a person to come down and touch the gross, dead body for you and store it in a refrigerator. I mean, it wouldn't do to have the body rot before the living people can be properly fleeced.

  You pay another person to simply burn the body. Not many people would be able to burn a body correctly. It sounds easy, but you need the right tools for the job. I guess a person could hack the body up and use a regular fireplace but that might be a little too gruesome for most people. I can appreciate the activity and service of burning dead bodies. However, I do not agree with keeping the damned ashes... let alone, buying a specialized container for the ashes.

  Why the hell would you decorate your home with dead body ashes like a serial killer displaying trophies? Don't forget the solemn and reverent act of spreading ashes all over the place. Dumping it in the ocean or throwing it into the wind is pretty disgusting. What about other people who have to walk or swim through that trash? Some people even pay to litter space with it.
Back to Main
See all comments
typical_comments.jpg
Back to Absurd Reality
Back to Main
Copyright 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Vornigold
c