Back to Movie Reviews
Batman : The Dark Knight Rises (page 3)
  The last 20 minutes are full of a billion plot devices being consecutively summed up as fast as possible. Here's where it really gets sloppy.

  Batman returns to Gotham, finds Catwoman and hires her to play a part in his sorry plan to stop Bane and save the city from a free-energy device/bomb. She is then given her Motorcycle of Relevance: a magic item she will need for the rest of the movie.

  Then Batman retrieves "The Bat" which is an internal-rotor helicopter thing roughly the size of a bus. This huge toy of Batman's has been sitting under a tarp on the roof of a building in an enemy-occupied city for 5 months... unnoticed.

  Batman then burns a building down to make a grand entrance (because destructive ostentation is totally Batman) and fights Bane for the second round. This time he has an epiphany to break Bane's mask which, mysteriously, keeps Bane alive (never explained). When Bane is on the ropes gasping, Batman uncharacteristically loses his cool and starts screaming questions at him. But none of that matters because Miranda Tate is revealed as Talia Al Ghul in the worst deus ex machina twist ever!

  Which reminds any critically thinking viewer; why the hell would she go have sex with somebody that killed her dad? Bruce was already 100% sold on the whole Miranda Tate disguise. Well, it's because every "romantic" encounter that Batman has in this bullshit movie is totally contrived and unnecessary. These scenes were like watching the theatrical drama an 8 year old creates while playing with his action figures.

  Anyways, Talia Al Ghul incapacitates Batman by stabbing him in the side with a pocket knife. Even worse, Catwoman busts through the door on the Motorcycle of Relevance and shoots Bane! All this time, all these guns waving around and nobody thinks to simply shoot Bane. Hilarious.

  I didn't think Darth Maul's pathetically easy defeat (Star Wars Episode 1) could be topped until I saw this. Use two and a half hours of the movie building Bane's character up, make him instantly useless with a half-assed plot twist, and then replace your established villian with a person the audience doesn't give a shit about. Brilliant.
Back to Main
Back to Main
Back to Movie Reviews
  I seriously can't even remember how Talia Al Ghul died. It was that lackluster.

  Anyways, she's dead and the writers decide to wrap up their Bizarro Earth Batman movie with a bizarro ending.

  It's basically Alfred sitting at a restaurant table in Italy casually noticing Batman and Catwoman having a drab and predictable family moment with their kids. Then Alfred gets up and leaves. The ending plays like a fever dream of Alfred's where Batman hangs up his spurs to become a mediocre dad with the totally untrustworthy hooker, Catwoman.

  All of the above is just the tip of the iceburg. I mercifully left the hundreds of little logic flaws out of this review. Alfred not reacting when a maid is replaced without his knowledge, Batman pointing a mysterious Laser-Tag gun that does nothing at a person riding a dirtbike, Catwoman busting a cartwheel kick while being led by prison guards to her prison cell, a person running up to within an inch of Batman's face to fire his gun instead of just firing the gun... the list goes on and on.

  After this abortion of a comic book movie, dorks across the United States (and beyond) start frothing at the ass and mouth over Ben Affleck being cast as Batman in the upcoming movie, "Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice".

  I'm pretty sure that even decrepit Arnold Schwarzenegger could be the next Batman and it would be an improvement over The Dark Knight Rises.

  Look... I know that any Batman fan won't be deterred by a negative review: I understand. If you must watch this movie, I suggest skipping to 2:23:00. You won't miss a thing.
See all comments
Copyright 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 by Vornigold