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Batman : The Dark Knight Rises (2012) (Page 1)
  Oh my god, where do I even start? I suppose I should start before the beginning.

  When the Batman franchise was rebooted, I had to overlook a few annoyances to enjoy the movie.

  In Batman Begins (2005), the writers decided that Batman couldn't be a detective even though that is the primary aspect of his character from the beginning. Why do you think Batman first appeared in Detective Comics?

  Instead, they remove Batman's intellect, mix it with Q from James Bond and Lucius Fox from the Batman comics, then they cast America's favorite old narrating fart to play the character: Morgan Freeman.

  Well, Batman doesn't get anything explained to him; Batman explains things to other people!

  Why is it that Batman can't ever be Batman in a movie? Every single attempt to bring this comic book character to film has resulted in some random character who isn't Batman dressed as Batman. I don't know if it's the producers, the writers, the directors, or the group of retards they test-screen to... somebody needs to be kicked in the nuts.

  Next, some dolt (or group of dolts) decided to make Batman talk like a pro-wrestler instead of how we all hear his voice in our heads when we read the comics.

  Basically, Kevin Conroy is the voice of Batman. Just sound like him and you'll do just fine. Or get him to voice the whole thing like James Earl Jones did with Darth Vader! Anything would be better than the Nathan Explosion Batman. It works for Nathan Explosion (Metalocalypse), not for Batman.



  My last annoyance had to do with the final 5 minutes of The Dark Knight (2008). Some complete hack with a broken moral compass decided to throw away all of Batman's core character traits and replace them with this absurd and dishonest horseshit. This is the diarrhea that was written to spill out of Batman's mouth.

  "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain."

  Batman has always been just and noble. Go look those two words up if the concepts confuse you. The above quote mirrors the selfish excuses of a piece of crap, plain and simple. When you couldn't get any further away from Batman's personality, they write this garbage in.

  "Sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

  So now Batman, a classic superhero, champions dishonesty and fabrication in some ridiculous attempt to save the hope of the people of Gotham. He's not even saving anything real. He's saving hope!


  What about that whole ordeal with 2 cruise ships rigged with explosives? The citizens of gotham prove their trust and faith in eachother by making the right decision: they'd rather die than play the Joker's game. I guess that wasn't proof enough for Batman! Now he has to coddle and lie to everybody!

  Is this concept really acceptable these days? Is actual reality just a cheap inconvenience? Is this the message we should give to all those impressionable kids who love Batman? Well, screw that. Any person who would espouse this ignoble nonsense needs a father-figure to properly kick their ass.
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  Oh, and Two Face didn't even need to be in the movie. A completely superfluous character that could have all his scenes removed and you'd still have a solid Batman versus Joker movie. Not a huge annoyance, but it deserves a mention.

  Regardless, I still liked and purchased both of those movies. Now let's relive my viewing of Batman : The Dark Knight Rises.

  So, I'm watching the opening scene where a CIA plane is being captured to rescue 3 black-bagged terrorists. That tired, old terrorist plot device is back in another United States movie. Suddenly, a poorly mixed voice-over of an elderly Sean Connery shatters any immersion in the scene. I was dreading the next moment. Was this really Bane's voice? Hopefully it was just a henchman who spoke earlier.

  Nope! The black bag is removed to show Bane. Amazing. The stupidest VO anyone could have possibly chosen. It's just insanity.

  That was the moment I decided to grab my notebook to make sure a sound trashing could be issued. My excitement over the movie was dashed in 5 minutes flat. The Dark Knight Rises became a comedy.
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